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You gotta hand it to Tiger Woods – he knows how to keep himself in the public eye even during pro golf’s off months.
He’s involved in a story that changes almost hourly. We knew that his crashing of a Cadillac in the dead of night was weird enough, but things really have gone wacky in the ensuing days.
Yet, Woods has the perfect ace in the hole. His excuse for his promiscuous behavior is one even the Common Man can use the next time he messes up: Ambien. After all, everyone knows the bizarre side effects of Ambien: “sleep walking; vivid dreams/nightmares; amnesia; finding yourself waist deep in the freezer eating a wedding cake at 3 a.m.; exceptionally loud cussing on national television in front of scores of children when you hook a drive; marriage to Swedish supermodels who, armed with a golf iron, chase you down the road, running after you relentlessly, arms flailing like Robert Patrick in Terminator 2; an insatiable attraction to porn stars and waitresses; residential street facedown snoring; difficulty differentiating between pavement, mailboxes, and trees; and [most importantly for the Common Man] abnormal thinking.” So, whenever you mess up, just blame it on Ambien.
WIFE: Why is the car on the roof? HUSBAND: Ambien. WIFE: What happened to that leg of lamb I was going to take to take to the church social? HUSBAND: Ambien. WIFE: Why is there lipstick on your collar and a valet receipt and 40 one dollar bills in your pants pocket? HUSBAND: Ambien. WIFE: And why are your pants on backwards? HUSBAND: Definitely Ambien. I seem to be suffering from a bout of abnormal thinking. While the rumor proved untrue that the name of the drug will be changed to Adultrien, certainly Woods will be able to waggle out of this predicament, even if the over-under of his mistress count exceeds 15. (It’s at 10 at this writing, but it’s only noon. Mistress par for 50 percent of Common Men is one.) Before you think that Woods will fall out of favor, recall Michael Jordan. Note that the “most famous athlete in the world” is still shilling wares for a variety of companies even after his gambling problem was exposed and he experienced his own purported Ambien-esque extramarital adventure. (His escapade cost a record $168 million in the divorce – “Err Jordan” is one record-setting dude!) Even if Tiger gets all “Kobe” on his supermodel wife – when Los Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant had a 2003, uh, indiscretion in Colorado with someone other than his wife go horribly awry, he bought his bride a diamond as big as a popcorn ball – the Swede will probably eventually leave and Woods will shatter Jordan’s divorce payout record. Woods makes much more cash from his endorsements than on the golf course. He hawks for Nike, Gatorade, AT&T, EA Sports, and watchmaker Tag Heuer to name a few. Currently, these companies are standing by Woods, but things could be getting a bit testy as more and more mistresses keep popping up like Whac-A-Moles. Jordan didn’t suffer much from his missteps so perhaps Woods’ frowned-upon proclivities won’t be too railed against as well. Maybe his recent dalliances will simply introduce more concepts within each brand. I’m just thinking out loud with my UTA PR degree here, but... Nike Golf could target spurned wives, marketing pink-headed three irons perfect for shattering vehicle windows. Gatorade might decide to create “Tiger 18-Plus,” an apple martini flavored refresher with chunks of Ambien floating in it since Woods supposedly considers the drug an aphrodisiac. Can you imagine the new EA Sports video game that Woods’ exploits could produce? And how about a watch that warns you aloud: It’s time to go home to your wife now, genius!? About AT&T: We already know the damage a leaked phone message can do. How about a remote eraser? If only Woods worked for a time machine company... Mark K. Campbell is the Azle News sports editor |
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