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I had to divert my grandson’s attention from the NFL game the other day – not for the violence on the field but for the TV commercials.
Between ads for R-rated movies and pitches for Cialis and its ilk, you don’t want to get put into the position of trying to explain to a child why that zombie grandma is walking on the ceiling (a preview for the movie Legion) or why a leering gray-haired couple is lounging in bathtubs perched on a distant exotic beach pondering if they can get a cell signal if something lasts for more than four hours.
(My questions on the beachy bathtubs are: “How long will the water stay warm in there? Ten minutes? Who’s gonna get out and fetch more warm water, even if it’s only been three hours, 45 minutes? [Well, I know the answer to that one: me.]) So the day will arrive with the young offspring when singing the theme to Dinosaur Train won’t be enough to divert his attention from the little blue pill and its counterparts. You even have to be careful on the radio. That’s where I heard about the latest supplement to be introduced – and they come around, oh, bi-weekly – as a natural Levitra. The source? Watermelon.
This research – naturally, one wonders how a person could get that job as a test subject – was conducted at Texas A&M, so it’s already highly suspect. (Remember, that’s the university that, back in the Eighties, said they had cracked cold fusion when it was later revealed that a professor had in reality dropped a 7-UP and had actually declared it was “cold fizzin’” as it spewed out on lab monkeys.) Still, this latest example of the fine use of tax dollars is intriguing. Some Aggies figured out that there’s something in watermelons that “relaxes blood vessels” like Viagra. The downside is that you have to eat about 12 watermelons – and the rinds – to get the desired effect and, by then, you’ll be so bloated that you might not give a flip about flopping into a bathtub, seaside or not. Even though you’d think this one benefit from watermelon might be enough to win a Nobel, the fruit also aids the body in many other ways, according to Aggies. Watermelons are the new lycopene kings (supplanting the now morose tomato) which makes me feel better about all those watermelon Jolly Ranchers I’ve consumed. Other benefits include a more efficient manner of getting ammonia out of the body – some sort of conversion to an amino acid that helps your heart and immune system – and plenty of big watermelon-peel ammo to throw in your jerk neighbor’s yard. Clearly, here’s a chance to make some big money in these trying times: corner the watermelon market. I’m no melon expert, but, when I was a boy, Uncle Elvin grew watermelons out in West Texas – massive sprawling fields of them. (Uncle Elvin was mighty massive himself, the biggest relative ever in our family tree, way over 300 pounds; while he may have consumed 12 watermelons in his golden years to, uh, get the ball rolling, if he ever lowered himself into one of those ocean bathtubs... well, the tide would come in long before Uncle Elvin could’ve ever hoisted himself out.) Anyway, it would seem financially prudent to buy up all the watermelons. If I recollect anything from the movie Trading Places – aside from that scene with Jamie Lee Curtis (speaking of natural Viagra) – it’s that you can buy the “futures” of something, manipulate the market, then Sell! Sell! to desperate, paper-waving Wall Street brokers. Then you can afford to buy Caribbean island bungalows so nice that the bathtubs can go inside the homes. Not everyone is jumping on the watermelon craze. Mainly the oyster folks are quite perturbed; they had this market cornered for centuries. There are other natural remedies for the malady as well, according to the dead-of-night advertisements for A Whole Bunch of Things the Government Doesn’t Want You to Know!, a book that addresses everything from real estate to herbal supplements. Most of these remedies are inedible, like asparagus, figs, and leeks. No wonder everyone is jumping on the watermelon bandwagon. I’d rather eat 12 watermelons than one leek. So, if a commercial during this year’s Super Bowl prominently features watermelons and bathtubs, get those young ‘uns out of there! Mark K. Campbell is the Azle News sports editor. |
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